Latest Older
Life is a Lemon and I want my money back!Life is a Lemon and I want my money back!

2003-07-10 - 10:17 a.m.
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays...

This weekend I'm flying to Atlanta for ABAP Workbench training. ABAP is the SAP programming language I've been dicking with on and off the past few weeks. I found out yesterday that one of the big defence contractors is putting in an SAP HR system. I would love to get on that project, since I could really help them out big time, but I need to get this tooth taken care of first of all.

On the way home from work last night, as I chugged along 360 at the speed of a crippled tortoise in leg-irons, I decided to call the HMO and see what options they had to help me out. "For english, press 1, para espanol, dos"

I counted 32 key strokes I had to enter before finally being deemed worthy to be placed on hold. Finally Shawanda was there to help me.
"I have been in extreme pain for two weeks. I don't have an appointment with the Oral Surgeon my gatekeeper referred me to until 7/23. I don't think I can wait that long. Do I have any other options? (yes, stop assuming they give a rat's ass and bite the bullet and pay for it yourself).
"Which oral surgeon are you scheduled to see?"
"Um...I don't have that information with me..What are my options?"
"Well we have over 40 oral surgeons in your area, we can see if we can get you in somewhere sooner, but we need to know which one you're scheduled for right now."
I looked at the clock - 5:38PM. "Well, I will be home in about an hour, will you still be there?"
"Oh yes sir, we're here until 6PM pacific time."
"What time is it now?"
"About three-forty"
"Great, then I'll call back when I get home!"
I stopped off at the liquor store. They were out of the 97 Jekel, so I got a 99 Kendall Jackson. I needed something for my tooth also.
"Can you give me one of those tiny airline bottles of crown please?"
"Well, you see the thing about that is that we can't sell just one. We have to sell them in pairs." I have been in Texas for a while now, and although this is a new one on me, I am used to the strange, illogical alcohol laws they have here which seem to vary not just from county to county, or from city to city, but from one side of the street to the other.
"I guess I'd better take two then, huh?"

Home around 6:15 (4:15 Pacific). Whiskey. Gargle. spit. Lortab, Antiobiotic. Water. Swallow. Orajel. And one Aleve just for shits and giggles. After doing the 'hi honey I'm home' thing, I called the HMO back at 6:30 (4:30 Pacific).
"Our office hours are from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm LOCAL TIME. Please call back during that time. If this is an emergency..."
Goddam-pennyanny-piece-of-shit-jesus-mary-and-bloody-joseph-what the hell is this bullshit????

I would have respected Shawanda a lot more if she'd said "I'll be here until 6:00 pm Pacific, but you're screwed in about 20 minutes, pal."

As the whiskey, orajel and painpills began to kick in, I calmed down and started making dinner. Chopped up Chicken breasts with asparagus, green beans and mushrooms, all cooked slowly in olive oil and hollandaise sauce (1g of Carbs). TV. Wine. Bed.

This morning, my toothache was raging extraordinarily, but walking seemed to calm it down a little. Right now its not too bad at all. I still need to call Shawanda back, but can I trust her now? After she lied to me, and tossed me aside like a...well..like an HMO patient actually. Perhaps later. My mind feels permanently mushy this morning. Just to check it wasn't broken, I took my IQ test on emode.com. Came out at 140. That's ok, its not my best score but its still genius level so I guess it'll do until I can get the tooth out, off the pain meds and some level of carbs back into my diet. Which by the way, has stalled as expected. I dipped briefly down to 230 last week but now I'm hovering around 235, which means I've still only lost 11lbs. Probably the oatmeal in the morning that I'm taking for my cholesterol is doing that. Even though its unflavored and tastes like cat litter, its still got 13g of Carbs in it. *sigh*

"Waiter!!!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Oh, hi, please could you take this away and bring me the August please?"
"I'm sorry sir?"
"I've had enough of the July. Please take it away and bring me the August."
"I'm afraid I can't do that sir. Our policy clearly states that you have to finish your July before I am allowed to bring you the August"
"But this July is awful! its overdone, it has no taste and making me sick to my stomach!"
"I sympathize sir, I really do, but it's out of my hands. Would you like an additional helping of telecommuting?"
"Bite Me."
"Very good, sir"

Bloody waiters. They say the wall between madness and genius is very narrow. This toothache is starting to chip away at the brickwork....

Today's Website

  • Emode.com IQ tests

    Today's Joke

    A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

    "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

    The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

    "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

    "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

    "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

    Best blogs on politics


  • Name: Catpewk
  • Age: 43
  • Status: Separated
  • Kids: Yes
  • Cats: Yes
  • Fish: Yes
  • Dogs: No
  • Lemurs: No
  • Profession: Geek
  • Passion: Writer
  • Religion: In Progress
  • Photos
  • Leave a Note
  • Email Catpewk
  • All Your Comments are Belong to Us
  • Profile
  • PaganNews.com
  • Start a Diary
    Next

    hosted by DiaryLand.com