Last night was our first development class. Sitting in the pitch dark, we were rewarded with quite a show from our 'guests'. Everyone was highly impressed and really enjoyed it and they talked about it for ages afterwards.

All day, the only thing R., J. and I had eaten had been a Steak Stuft (sic) Burrito from Taco Bell.

So naturally, after 4 Fosters, a bottle of Sake, and some of R's filthy rasberry zinfandel, I was blitzed. And Big J. kept hammering at me about why I wanted to join the Naval Reserves. And god help me, I told him. I told him about what had happened all those years ago, how I thought I was responsible, and why. He explained to me why I wasn't. He took me through the whole explanation and it made sense. I had buried this thing so deep so I wouldn't have to look at it. I told J. how 20 years ago I'd been told I'd done a good thing. I thought it was a horrible thing. Big J. explained that it wasn't a thing at all. It was a setup, and coincidence. The only person who didn't know that, and couldn't see that was me. And I'd carried this with me for 20 years believing it was my fault. And it wasn't. Someone superior to me told me it was and I believed them. What the hell else would I believe at 19?

Because I'd spent so long in the garage with Big J., and then came out and hugged B., I then had to explain everything to R. So now three people, and myself know about this thing. I don't want to ever hear about it again. Ever. From anyone. Especially not from one of these three, since I want things to go back to normal. I hope they can.

I am also sufferring from Anger, the usual hangover Angst, and worry. Don't know why. Like another shoe could drop.

J. (not big J.) starts high school on Monday. 9th grade. He has to be at the bus stop at 6:10 am in the morning, which means we need to be up about 5:30 am to wake him! Yeck!!!!