Catpewk and the World of Tomorrow

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The tooth and nothing but the toothThe tooth and nothing but the tooth

2003-07-08 - 4:49 p.m.

Thin and Crispy with chicken, black olives, onions and mushrooms.

It was late arriving so we got it for free. It was definitely not

on our Atkins diet plan, so it was a major treat, even though it meant

we would probably 'stall' for a couple of days.

On the second bite, my damaged wisdom tooth woke up. Chomp, PANG! ow-muthafucka!

Chomp, Chomp, PANG! Ow! sunnavabitch!

I threw the pizza down in disgust. Then picked it up again and chewed more carefully.

J. tucked into his pepperoni and jalapeno with nary a care in the world. R. looked sympathetically at me and chewed away on her chicken pizza with her non-infected, non-pain making teeth.

I hate everything and everyone. May the whole world be consumed in a torrent of fire if I don't get this fuggin' tooth out!!!

I sucked the cheese and chicken off the bread of the pizza (The bread was the contraband and the reason I wanted the damn thing in the first place). Then I called my dentist, and left him a voice mail.

"You are the worst pissant dentist I have ever come across! What kind of sadist allows their patient to suffer through this kind of pain for two weeks, whilst prescribing 4 days supply of pain pills that have about as much effect as a flinstone vitamin! First chance I get I am changing dentists! You're whole uncaring attitude is totally incomprehensible to me!"

I hung up. I felt better, slightly.

J. and R. were looking at me with a 'Katie-Bar-the-door' kind of look on their faces.

Kitchen. Salt Water. Listerine. Deep Heat. I can no longer take supplement the 10mg Lortabs (once every six hours) with Aleve and Ibuprofen because I nearly sent myself into anaphalactic shock over the weekend having consumed about 30 of each in a space of 18 hours. I can no longer take the Orajel because my stomach is a seething mass of nausea brought on by too much Benzocaine.

In short, I am not a happy camper. And it's still another two weeks before I get to see the Oral Surgeon. At least I have new antibiotics now. Hopefully they will improve the situation...

Today's website

Bad Teeth

Today's film ripoff (I don't know who wrote this)

'A scene from "A Few Good Dentists", starring Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson:

Tom Cruise: "Did you order the flossing?"

Jack Nicholson: "You want answers?"

Tom Cruise: "I think I'm entitled."

Jack Nicholson: "You want answers?!!"

Tom Cruise: "I want the tooth!"

Jack Nicholson: "You can't handle the tooth! Son, we live in a world that has oral diseases. And those oral diseases have to be cured by men with sharp, painful instruments. Who's gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Gleem and you curse the ADA. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Gleem's death, while tragic, probably saved teeth. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves teeth. You don't want the tooth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that molar. You need me on that molar! We use words like regular checkups, plaque, tartar ... We use these words as the backbone to a life spent cleaning mouths. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the very blanket of the oral hygiene I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a brush and scrub a tooth. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"

Tom Cruise: "Did you order the flossing?"

Jack Nicholson: I did my job. I'd do it again.

Tom Cruise: "Did you order the flossing?!!"

Jack Nicholson: "You're god damn right I did!" FADE TO BLACK