Everything else is just window dressing and bullshit. The Big Secret is so secret that nobody even knows it IS a secret. I call it 'X'. X is the difference between what we think we know, and the reality of the Universe, and our place in it. It is why things are the way they are. It is the still small voice, crying in the wilderness that tries to tell us that what we are doing is wrong. How we are living is wrong. It is what made us be here in the first place. It is what we will find in the last place, where we must travel alone. My only goal is to solve the riddle of 'X' before I die. Because if I can solve that, then all the other problems go away too, as long as I can get the information out there in time to make a difference so that everyone can take advantage of it, and give our species and our planet a fighting chance at survival.

Unfortunately, I am continually hampered by crappy signal-to-noise ratios in the information I receive. About 1% of what I learn, when I learn something new, is actually useful and relevant to my goal. This makes it a long slow process.

This search, this goal, mission whatever you want to call it, is about eliminating options - removing ambiguity.

Take the Reserves for example. By joining the military, I get access to another level of information, which allows me to eliminate more ambiguity.

Is this a search for God? Perhaps. It is more correct to say it is a search for the nature of the Universe, at all levels - matter, energy and spiritual - and to find a way to connect the dots for everyone, so we don't need to be afraid anymore, or listen to bullshit anymore, or wonder where the next meal is coming from anymore.

For instance: Why do bad things happen to good people? Why doesn't God step in and stop crap like that? Why did my father, the gentlest, strongest, most patient man I know have to spend his last 10 years of life fighting of three types of cancer? Perhaps so that I could see his strength and courage. He died on 6th Feb, 2003, 11 days shy of his 84th birthday. He'd had a stomach bypass in 2001, and he survived for two years afterwards. He still drove the week before he died. Everyday, he got up, got dressed, and put on a shirt and tie. Every day.

He died at home, in his own bed, with my mum and his best friend holding his hands, after making his final phone calls to his family. He died with dignity. I will never forget him.

And if the only lesson I take away from his life is understanding what true courage really is, what strength of character really means, then those are the lessons I will learn and I will make them my own. But more than that I see that HE chose to control his destiny. HE chose to live as long as he did, and to live and die the way he did. No cancer, no God, no Demon was going to change that. He was in control to the end.

I don't know where he is now, or if he is anywhere. My sanity demands that I think of him as being just beyond the veil, looking down on me. But I will find the truth of that however hard it is, however long it takes, because HE taught me about strength. HE taught me about courage. HE taught me about patience.

So what's inside my head? My wife. Sex. And the burning desire to find out the truth about X. In the name of my Father.