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in the end...in the end...

2004-04-20 - 7:53 a.m.
I do not want to be a bitter, twisted person. I do not want to be permanently angry, muttering 'and another thing' into my Gin and Tonic as a huddle in an armchair in the corner of the room while the rest of the family tries to go on with normal life, pretending nothing is wrong.

I don't want to spend half my time continually amazed and perplexed by the stupidity, arrogance and narrow-mindedness of people.

I don't want to become obsessed with making money, or gaining power. I don't want to be remembered as being an asshole.

So many people start out thinking they're going to change the world for the better. But the friction of life drags on their youthful momentum, and they find themselves making little choices all the time. Paper or plastic. Leaded or unleaded. Convenience or the environment.

Before long they have lost their way, and either end up in a no hope, dead-end job, or continue moving forward, but forget why.

What they learned upon their journey to success about how to make deals, compromise, acquire power, position and title - these things that were supposed to serve only as tools to help them get to where they needed to be to really and truly make a difference; possession of these tools becomes the goal, and the original motives are forgotten.

Something has to change. Something has to give. We can't keep pretending that the problems are "over there" or "someone else's".

Remember what you wanted to be when you started out. Remember what you wanted to do. Are you there now? Are you on track to get there? Or have your priorities changed? Did life throw you a curve ball?

I can't be a teacher because I can't afford to be a teacher. All the experience that I have gained that I want to pass on, as a side effect attracts significantly more money than a teacher makes. And so you get plugged in to the lifestyle. And people take advantage of you.

I live simply. I really do. I am not a status freak. I buy what I need, and not what's fashionable. It's been four years since I went shopping for clothes.

I'm not sure where all this shit is going, by the way. In fact I think I'm sick of writing it now.

I am not in a good mood today, but at least I'm not angry. Yesterday I was angry, and in fact I've been angry since that medical bullshit on Friday.

So not being angry is a step in the right direction, no?

Today I'm just sad. Sad that the human race is so fucked up, individually and collectively, that we will never ever get our shit together and Do The Right Thing.

Every now and then, I have tried to raise a battle cry, tried to get people to rally round a flag, tried to get them to follow, or lead, or get the hell out of the way. Do anything that might actually make a difference. But no one cares.

So fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all.

I love my wife. And for the forseeable future, that's the only goddam thing I give a shit about.

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  • Name: Catpewk
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