It didn't make sense to me. Not that there was anyone else I particularly wanted to be. I was just so aware that everything in my universe was seen through my eyes and ears. Why couldn't I see through other peoples eyes? Why didn't I know what they were thinking? They seemed to know what I was thinking. How did they know I had that candy bar concealed in my sock? How they they know I hadn't taken a bath?

I remember strange experiences. One, when I couldn't have been more than five years old, was quite unpleasant and recurred regularly. I'd be lying in bed and a voice would whisper in my ear "one penny...two pennies...three pennies" then it would yell "A HUNDRED PENNIES! A THOUSAND PENNIES!" and I would get this image of myself covered in pennies, unable to move.

Scared the crap out of me. Regularly.

Which might explain my self destructive tendencies when it comes to career or anything that might lead to having too much money.

Or just enough.

I guess its academic anyway now. I worry a little about who reads this diary these days. Family, friends etc. Many of them (well I don't have that many members of either group, so its proportionately a high number, but a low number in actuality) know about this Blog. Some may even nip in occasionally to read it. I never suspected I would be offering them an insight into - what? A neurosis? A truth? A Fear?

A Hope?

The last week or so has been difficult for me. A couple of the recent entries have talked about what it is thats bothering me, so I'm not going to rehash it here.

But it is a monkey on my back, right now. It is always on my mind. And I cannot function properly unless I can clear it.

Because its just too friggin big.

I should be writing up articles and interviews for pagannews.com.

Instead I'm thinking "How can I construct a modern equivalent of the Rosetta Stone and keep it safe for 5000 years?"

I should be working out ways to connect wireless scanners to SQL tables, not wondering "How can I persuade J. and R. to learn survival skills when they won't need them for at least another 8 years and may not even need them then?"

I'm sick of drinking from this cup. I want somebody else to worry about it instead of me. I want to live a good and happy life. I want to retire somewhere sunny and crisp and beautiful and grow coffee and write my memoirs.

The sooner the better.

I am at least sane enough to know that there is nothng to be gained from running through the streets shouting 'The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'

Let's say I built a website to raise the level of awareness and actually got people to believe this (what I hope is) garbage.

What then?

Riots, Civil commotion, anarchy, panic, mass hysteria.

Basically the worst parts of the Bible

So. Not a very helpful result there.

The only thing I can really try and do is look at the problem objectively and

A) Try and find strong evidence against it.

B) Find one thing I can do that may make a difference.

And then hopefully, I can quit worrying about it and go back to sleep...