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All I ever really needed to know I learned from CatpewkAll I ever really needed to know I learned from Catpewk

2004-10-13 - 7:09 p.m.
Thanks for all your thoughts and kind words about R. and my mom. I'll keep you updated as things change...

In other news, my niece (JS) is have boy trouble up in Maine. She asked me for advice, so I thought about it for a while, then sent her this:


I can't tell you who to be with, but maybe the following will help. Please
read all of it, because probably by the end there will be something useful
in it...

I think since you've been old enough to recognize me, you've seen maybe six
women that I've been with - either as girlfriends or wives. That is the tip
of the iceberg. For every one you saw, there were ten behind the scenes that
no-one knew about. From Age 27, when I got here, for about 6 years, I wore
my heart on my sleeve, and was always trying to hold on to the 'feeling' I
had when I first met and fell in love with someone.

And because I was tall, english, had a steady job and didn't look like I'd
crawled out of the swamp, I met a lot of women. Because I had a poor sense
of self worth, I was so happy that someone wanted to be with me, that I
would fall
in love rather quickly.

This happened in very short order, and followed the same pattern: Meet, have
sex, fall in love, move in, get disillusioned, cheat, split up, next. The shelf life on my relationships was usually somewhere between two weeks and a month. Some lasted longer, but not many. Finally I met R., and we've
been together for seven years, and I couldn't imagine not being with her -
nor could I imagine being with someone else (except maybe Angelina Jolie,
but that would just be a one night thing, and it could only work if we
double dated with R. & Brad Pitt (or Johnny Depp - I can't remember
which!)).

This is the result of two things:

a) I got older - I learned that order in my life was more important to
me than constant change.
b) R. - She has all the qualities that I want and need. And she is not
boring.

My life could have been more ordered, I could have been more financially
secure if I had settled down earlier, forcing myself to stay in a bad
marriage or trying to make something work that clearly wasn't going to. But
I would not have been me. And I would not have been happy. My partner would

not have been happy, and any children we had would not have been happy. As
messed up as my life seems at times, I know how lucky I am, and I know
that we are a lot better off than others out there. I love my wife, and she
loves me.

You have to find someone who will let you be you. And it took me a long ass
time to find that. But the reason it took so long was due in large part to
the fact that I didn't know who I was, so no one else had any chance of
knowing me either.

And this is the truth of it, really JS: You have to find yourself first,
before you can find someone else. It is not going to be easy. And its going
to be harder when you're up in Maine alone with no family around you. There
will be times you will want to sleep with someone just to have someone to
sleep with. And there will be times when you fall in love with someone
because they love you, or treat you right, or treat you bad or whatever
buttons get pushed for you.

You are going to make mistakes, but you can minimize that guilt if you
remember some things. These are the things I've learned:

- Always be honest with people. Tactful, of course - but honest. It's so
much easier if you don't have to remember what you lied about.
- Don't do anything you'd have to lie about later. You will eventually get
found out.
- Recognise that you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. You are doing
this because you want to be loved. Because you don't want to be lonely.
- Use protection. By that I don't mean give them a false name and phone
number...
- Never make a promise you can't keep.
- Don't say anything about someone you wouldn't say to their face.
- Don't waste energy hating someone. People only hate through fear.
- Forgive.
- Sometimes, you have to hurt someone a little to stop from hurting them a
lot.
- Family will always love you.
- Some things never change. And some things do.
- The only person you have to prove anything to is yourself.
- Always call if you're going to be late.
- Never play cards with anyone whose first name is a city.
- Learn to do everything that needs doing yourself. That way you don't have
to rely on anyone else.

I don't know how much of this is helpful. Maybe none of it. But the truth is there is no magic solution to this problem. Someone is going to get hurt. How you handle it, how honest you are, and how well you behave will
determine how much you beat yourself up for your behavior in the years to
come. And you will. I know. Surprisingly, I still beat myself up over crap I said and did decades ago. You will too - its human nature. So do whatever is the right thing to minimize future beatings :>

And of course, I am here if you need anything. Let me know what you decide
to do!

Lots of Love
Catpewk.

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  • Name: Catpewk
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