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2004-10-21 - 6:12 p.m.
I am a forty years old white male.
I have done things in my life that many people only dream of.
I have seen shit that would turn your hair white - and I have seen beauty that would lift your heart.
But I feel like my life has ground to a halt. In fact in a lot of ways it is going backwards.
The only thing that comforts me is my faith. And even that I have broken down into its component elements, narrowing it down to a simple question: What is the one, tiny element of my life experiences that I can hold in my mind when I die that will unlock the keys to the Universe?
It is my great work. Until very recently, I believed that discovering the answer to this question could free the rest of the human race from this crappy, dying existence and give them something better.
But now I've realized something important. I really don't give a shit about the rest of the human race, because with the exception of most of my family, they really don't give a shit about me.
What's more, this whole concept may be delusional anyway, so why share it? I will keep my own counsel. It's only for my benefit, after all. It serves as a release valve, and gives me the illusion of quiet power.

I have spent my whole life being screwed over because I'm a 'nice guy'.

This is the point where I am supposed to say 'But no more Mr Nice Guy'.

I'm not going to say that. Because I can't change to that degree. I will still do the same things, and still get crapped on from time to time. The problem is you see, that when you have very little power at your disposal, you get crapped on a lot. And so the temptation is to pass that crap down to those you do have a degree of power over. That's why people are such assholes so frequently. That's why guys beat their wives, and why teenagers are cruel to animals. I can't do that. Although I could be cruel to teenagers that are cruel to animals. And I would be very tempted to beat the everloving crap out of any guy I saw beating his wife.

I just don't have any faith in humanity any more. So I won't expect so much from them.

I won't expect to be treated fairly.
I won't expect to be treated honestly.
I won't expect to be thanked for what I do.
I won't expect to be proud of the decisions our governments make.
I won't expect to get unilateral kindness from anyone.

I'll just do my own thing. In my own way.

I cried a couple of times today. And I got really tired in the afternoon. I took a bath, but that just made me more tired.

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